For all the times I’ve laughed at stories about people dying at work - picture a guy found slumped in a pile of documents on the table - it seems karma has finally caught up with me.

In a blur of emails and office chatter, I felt my chest tighten, my breathing shallowed. And if you put on your imagination, you’d see a green elephant sitting on my shoulders. The stale air didn’t help either and my ears were ringing.

Act normal, continue browsing emails…close…random…window. Click.

I stood up and head for the door. Maybe it’s cleaner lady kicking up dust with her vacuum cleaner. Does a vacuum cleaner kick up dust? Hmm…

Food. I’m hungry. That could be it. Let’s get some food. Franco’s has good food. Yes, it’s pricey but this is an emergency.

Hi. Yes, I’ll have the roast beef ciabatta and a pot of chamomile tea. Thanks.

I sank into the sofa and heaved a sigh of relief. I can breathe easier but the weight on my chest remains. The morning replayed in my head like a sped up VCR, but nothing I can point to. 

This chutney dip is awesome btw.

Dread creeps in. It’s especially crushing to know that I’ve only temporarily escaped from the problems at hand, and not knowing what the real problem is. And tomorrow it’ll start all over again.

I finish my tea, took a deep breath, and started back with a blue cow on my shoulders.

Because it is actually an exercise in will, not strength.

A thousand choices strung together in sequence, repeated for hours.

A reminder that ultimately we’re the sum of our choices.

That with these choices bring pain. And the satisfaction of overcoming them.

To slog through knowing that change is an inverted bell curve, and bursting lungs mean I’m half way there.